What Not to Say to a Grieving Person
Supporting the people we love when they are in pain can be harrowing and inelegant. Whether that person is grieving the loss of a pet, a job, or a person, you probably feel at a loss for what to say to them. You may even be afraid of saying “the wrong thing.” As a grief counselor who sits with folks struggling with loss, I can tell you that many grieving people often report well-intentioned but hurtful comments from their family, friends, coworkers, and community members.
Fortunately, by searching for “what not to say,” you are already going into the conversation with intentionality and curiosity. Conversations about grief can be awkward and painful. It hurts to see someone you care about suffer, and our impulse is often to fill the empty space with words. While we may mean well, sometimes our words can unintentionally cause more harm than good. Here are a few things to avoid saying to a grieving person:
"I know exactly how you feel." While it's natural to want to relate to someone else's pain, everyone's grief is unique. Saying something of this ilk may come across as reductive to someone feeling a type of pain that they view as profoundly specific and personal. If you have a similar experience and feel compelled to share, try ending on a question that relates back to the person’s grief. For example, “I know for me the hardest part of losing my mom was not being able to call her every day. What’s the hardest part for you?” Keep in mind that when someone just experienced a loss, sharing your own experience with loss in great detail may not be the most helpful thing for them in that moment.
"Let me know if you need anything." While this may seem like a helpful offer, it can actually put the burden back on the grieving person to reach out. Instead, offer specific ways you can assist them, such as bringing over a meal or running errands.
"They're in a better place now." While this may be comforting to some, it can also be hurtful to those who find more comfort in the presence of their loved one. It also makes an assumption that the person has a particular belief about the afterlife, which is not necessarily true. “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle,” can be similarly unhelpful. Any statements that assume a person’s faith can add to their isolation and pain. Asking open-ended questions about the person’s beliefs is okay, as long as you aren’t prescribing how they should think or feel about their loss.
"At least they lived a long life." While it's true that some deaths may be easier to accept than others, it's important to remember that loss is still loss. Age doesn't diminish the pain of losing someone. In fact, use this as a rule of thumb: anytime you are talking to a person and you start a sentence with “at least...,” pause. Nothing good comes after “at least” when you are talking to a person managing loss.
“Everything happens for a reason.” Kate Bowler has a wonderful book on this exact topic, called Everything Happens for a Reason (and Other Lies I’ve Loved). She writes about being diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer at the age of thirty-five, and the pain that this often-invoked cliché caused.
*Nothing at all.* Even if you don’t know the perfect thing to say to a grieving person, continue to support them through your presence. Avoiding someone who is grieving just because you don’t know what to say will often cause relationship issues down the road and increase the griever’s isolation. If you have been avoiding someone because of their grief, there is still time to reach out and reconnect as long as it's done with humility and honesty. Remember, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is now.”
The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to be there for them, which is easier said than done, but still possible with some patience, effort, and grace. Listen to them, offer your support, and let them know that you care. This can be done by saying things like:
“I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I’m here to listen whenever you’re ready to talk about it.” Then, follow up soon after with an invitation to go for a walk together or have coffee/tea.
“I left some groceries on your back porch. Let me know if there’s anything else I can get for you at the store when I go again at the end of the week.”
“Thank you for telling me what it’s been like for you since you lost your brother. I never met him, can you tell me more about what he was like?”
“I don’t even know what to say. I love you and am here for you. Can I call you so we can talk about it, or we can just sit together in silence on the phone so you aren’t alone?”
There is no perfect formula for these kinds of conversations, and this list is by no means exhaustive. Remember that even if you say something that you later realize may have been insensitive, you can always reach back out and apologize. The important thing is that you be intentional during these tender conversations, listen openly without judgment, and show up in all the ways that you can. As the spiritual teacher Ram Dass says, “We’re all just walking each other home.”
